I was recently made aware of a new book by Christian psychologist, Aundi Kolbert, Try Softer: A Fresh Approach to Move Us out of Anxiety, Stress, and Survival Mode - and into a Life of Connection and Joy.
The title of the book says it all. Try softer. Not harder. Softer with yourself. Softer with others. Softer with the kind God of the universe who smiles over you and wants to sit, commune and live within you. Soft with kind Jesus who trades the hard yoke of the Law for the soft touch of His grace for all weary sinners.
Try softer.
Satan, the world, and our sinful flesh clinging to us like a disease, want us to try harder. Press. Strive. Compete. Control. Win. Conquer. I like to press forward as much as the next driven leader. The kingdom of God is advancing. We, the Church, are on the offensive. I’ve passionately written and spoken these words many times.
I believe there is a Lutheran tension in the phrase Try Softer. Try. Work. Do. We ask, “Doesn’t this possibly lean into works righteousness? Let us not forget we are saved by faith alone.” I agree. Obviously. Yet, our works, individually and collectively, are not opposed to effort, empowered by the Holy Spirit. Our works, in the light of God’s extravagant grace in Christ, are opposed to earning.
The way of Jesus working through us in the world, for the sake of our neighbor, should look different than the striving of those who do not know Jesus. There should be a softness, lightness, joyfulness, loveliness as the driving fuel for our work in the world in our various vocations. Salvation is won for you in your baptism. Rest. Others need the rest of the Gospel. Proclaim. The work belongs to the Spirit.
Try softer.
This approach is needed now, possibly more than ever. Anxiety and depression, especially in our young people, largely driven by the overuse of technology, is going up, up, up. Mental illness among college students has risen by 134% since 2010. I could give you many more depressing stats. It is not good. Our young people are hurting tremendously. The Church must be a place of trying softer, not harder.
In her book, Kolber mentions the framework of Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Stephen Porges called the Window of Tolerance (WOT). The WOT is the “middle way” of mental health that sits between hyperarousal and hypoarousal.
Hyperarousal is the foundation of our fight, flight, fawn tendencies. This is the place of overwhelming adrenaline, heart racing, out of control anger, and the need to fawn to over accomodate to please others.
Hypoarousal is the foundation of our freeze tendency. You feel sluggish, depressed, foggy, zoned out, numbed out, drugged out, and overall disconnected from the world.
People arrive at one of these two extremes through acute traumatic situations that may turn to chronic anxiety. How do we resist becoming a chronically anxious presence?
We try softer and the Holy Spirit widens our Window of Tolerance. When you’re in the WOT, you are fueled by the crucified and risen Jesus. You recognize the nearness of God with you through the inevitable anxious moments of life. Living largely in the WOT means you feel competent, curious, content, balanced, reasonable, strong, and able to take risks without feeling overwhelmed.
One of the goals as we mature as Christ followers is that we can look back, viewing ourselves not by the gap of what we’ve yet to achieve, but by the gain the Holy Spirit has worked in us for the glory of God.
The Holy Spirit yearns to widen our Window of Tolerance.
Could one of our problems in the LCMS be that too many of our Windows of Tolerance, among many of our pastors and leaders, is too small? I long for a day when our Windows of Tolerance are so wide in the LCMS, especially among leaders, that we can talk about hard and complex struggles, offering solutions with a spirit of curiosity, rather than tribal, legalistic condemnation of the “other.”
I long for a day when we try softer. I can’t control others. Neither can you. Simply invite the Spirit of the risen Christ to replace your try harder with try softer.
Great article, Tim! In addition to the personal hyper/hyoarousal, I think we (the LCMS) have organizational anxiety dating back to the 16th Century. Think about how you reflexively felt the need to caveat your primary thesis with grace through faith in Christ alone. There’s organizational hyperarousal around any discussion of works - and for good reason. My prayer is that we, as God’s adopted sons and daughters, can internalize His peace so that we can begin to open that WoT as wide as possible.